Thank God for Friends :)

I don't know what I would do without all your support. I am going through the toughest time of my life. I need to find the strength to leave my marriage after nearly 17 years. I need to do this for myself and my children. I hear everything everyone is saying. I know I can't keep living like this. And I say to myself that if I was in a relationship were there was physical abuse, I would be out of there in a blink. So why can't I do it when there is mental abuse???

I love Steve more than ever. I look at the relationships where the partners can't do enough for each other. And I envy it because I have never had that. Steve never does anything for me unless I ask. It took him 16 years to organise a weekend away just us. Yes we have had time away together but it's always me that plans it. I am lonely. Pure and simple. He doesn't communicate and whatever I do he critisizes. After 17 years I have snapped. I can't even talk to him about things anymore because of the things he brings up. My weekend away 12 months ago was just brought up this week because I had double booked and it was inconvenient for everyone even though I had sorted things out before I left. Why the hell didn't he tell me this 12 months ago. He brings up the past every argument.

This is an example. Every year he gave me flowers for our anniversary. He rang a florist and got flowers delivered to my work. As much as I love flowers, I thought maybe we could spend the money and we could go out for dinner together. So I mentioned it and the following year I got flowers delivered to work. Again I said, honey I love the flowers but don't send me flowers. Dinner together would be a better way to spend your money. When I got flowers the next year I couldn't quite believe it and mentioned it to my best friend in Melbourne when we were having a heart to heart one night on the phone. Well Steve was eavesdropping on the conversation and I have never heard the end of it. That probably happened about 5 years ago and he brings it up every argument that he will never buy me flowers again because I don't appreciate it.

He has never been a communicator. I knew that when I married him. He hates the way I am running our lives financially but he won't take it over. I have everything set out in a book and he knows where that is. The money we spend on every bill. I have been writing the weekly extra expenses like birthdays, extra food shopping, things that crop up on a white board on the fridge so he can see where the money is going but he still yells at me that he doesn't get enough money for himself. He works 50 hours a week so he is entitled to more money. He says I have luxuries in life like the cleaner, my Port Power membership and ww that he would get rid of if he was doing the budget. I am doing a weekly paper run with the kids and secret shopping to bring more money into this house. That well and truly covers those things.

I have a counselling appointment. 15th October which is my 17th wedding anniversary. Steve will be away at the Bike Grand Prix in Melbourne.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't have the strength at the moment. I have counselling in 3 weeks. He will be away for a lot of that time. I need to get stronger. I need to talk about it. Though people are probably sick of hearing this ongoing saga. I know I don't deserve to live this way but bottom line is I love Steve. If I didn't love him I would have gone a long time ago.

How!!

How can it be over a month since I posted. I am the slackest blogger. I have all intensions of writing a post but evil facebook takes over!!

So.....Life is crazy. Nothing new there. WW is going well. One hiccup 2 weeks ago saw a big gain but alcohol and TTOM will do that. So overall I have lost 4.9 kgs in 7 weeks. I have the best support network a girl could get with ww. There are 6 of us now that go to the same meeting. And we all started off as very big girls. Well over 100 kgs. One of the girls Sandy is doing an amazing job. Her head has been in the right space for a while now and she is very close to the 20 kgs lost. We're hot on your tail Sandy. I was doing the sums yesterday and in nearly 2 years I have only lost 11.4 kgs. I know I'm not allowed to say 'only' on this journey but that is pathetic. Up, down, up, down is the pattern of my life. Need to ponder that more.

Steve and I are going through a rough patch again. Another pattern in my life. More to ponder.
I have organised some counselling for me. I cannot continue to be belittled about my position in this marriage. Because I don't work 50 paid hours a week like he does, I am not as worthy as him. Because I ferry the kids around to this, that and everything else, it's not hard work so it's not worthy. If I or any mum added up the total hours she works every day, I bet it would be far more than her partner. Well in 95% of cases. I sound like a broken record when I talk about my marriage because this outburst happens every 6 months or so. It's always about money. Money is tight this month. We have got ourselves back on track by putting some credit on a low interest credit card and paying it off that way. No big deal!!! It will get paid off. And we are living within our means but every now and then a big month of birthdays and parties comes along and throws the budget big time. I always get the blame when I ask Steve to stop using the credit card for himself for a few weeks. I get yelled at because of the extras I get in life, like weight watchers and a cleaner. Well darling I figure if I am working 31 hours paid work a week, I can afford those luxuries.

Weight watchers is not a luxury for me. It is a necessity and I wish the powers that be would consider us being able to claim weight loss programmes on our private health insurance or even medicare. I have an illness. I am a compulsive eater, like a compulsive drinker or smoker. Obesity, smoking and drinking are probably the things that cause the most hospital related illnesses. It's not rocket science, pay for programmes to help people like me get healthy. OK off my soapbox now.

Back to me - I am going to seek counselling for myself because I feel I have been mentally abused for 16 years. I get the blame for every little thing going wrong. I get no love and affection but am expected to give love and affection. Things that happened in the past should remain in the past. Stop bringing them up every argument. We have tried marriage counselling but our views are so far different about things that it didn't work. I need counselling for myself. I know people would be thinking, get out of the marriage but the bottom line is I love him very much. He is a wonderul father and provider. I love my house and my life here. Why should that change? The house would have to be sold. I don't want to sell my house. I am lonely. Very lonely. The kids are growing up. Nikki is nearly 14 and has her own life. Ashleigh is 12 and soon will. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be lonely.

There are people that have critisized (sp??) me for venting on facebook. I know facebook is not the place to vent but Steve doesn't have facebook and that's where most of my friends are - LOL!! I got abused by a so called friend for saying I needed to get help for myself because I can't do this anymore. She said some nasty things and I had to delete her posts. So I am writing my feelings here. On my blog.

As I said, I am going to get counselling and I do ask myself every day if I am doing the wrong thing staying in this marriage but the answer at this stage is I just don't know :(