Saturday, September 25, 2010

Thank God for Friends :)

I don't know what I would do without all your support. I am going through the toughest time of my life. I need to find the strength to leave my marriage after nearly 17 years. I need to do this for myself and my children. I hear everything everyone is saying. I know I can't keep living like this. And I say to myself that if I was in a relationship were there was physical abuse, I would be out of there in a blink. So why can't I do it when there is mental abuse???

I love Steve more than ever. I look at the relationships where the partners can't do enough for each other. And I envy it because I have never had that. Steve never does anything for me unless I ask. It took him 16 years to organise a weekend away just us. Yes we have had time away together but it's always me that plans it. I am lonely. Pure and simple. He doesn't communicate and whatever I do he critisizes. After 17 years I have snapped. I can't even talk to him about things anymore because of the things he brings up. My weekend away 12 months ago was just brought up this week because I had double booked and it was inconvenient for everyone even though I had sorted things out before I left. Why the hell didn't he tell me this 12 months ago. He brings up the past every argument.

This is an example. Every year he gave me flowers for our anniversary. He rang a florist and got flowers delivered to my work. As much as I love flowers, I thought maybe we could spend the money and we could go out for dinner together. So I mentioned it and the following year I got flowers delivered to work. Again I said, honey I love the flowers but don't send me flowers. Dinner together would be a better way to spend your money. When I got flowers the next year I couldn't quite believe it and mentioned it to my best friend in Melbourne when we were having a heart to heart one night on the phone. Well Steve was eavesdropping on the conversation and I have never heard the end of it. That probably happened about 5 years ago and he brings it up every argument that he will never buy me flowers again because I don't appreciate it.

He has never been a communicator. I knew that when I married him. He hates the way I am running our lives financially but he won't take it over. I have everything set out in a book and he knows where that is. The money we spend on every bill. I have been writing the weekly extra expenses like birthdays, extra food shopping, things that crop up on a white board on the fridge so he can see where the money is going but he still yells at me that he doesn't get enough money for himself. He works 50 hours a week so he is entitled to more money. He says I have luxuries in life like the cleaner, my Port Power membership and ww that he would get rid of if he was doing the budget. I am doing a weekly paper run with the kids and secret shopping to bring more money into this house. That well and truly covers those things.

I have a counselling appointment. 15th October which is my 17th wedding anniversary. Steve will be away at the Bike Grand Prix in Melbourne.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't have the strength at the moment. I have counselling in 3 weeks. He will be away for a lot of that time. I need to get stronger. I need to talk about it. Though people are probably sick of hearing this ongoing saga. I know I don't deserve to live this way but bottom line is I love Steve. If I didn't love him I would have gone a long time ago.


Vic said...

Aww my friend...
Is love enough.. ?? He doesn't seem to want to change the way he is hurting you, and its well not ok. I am 27 years old and I know that what you are going through is not ok. My Mum used to treat my Dad like this all the time, my Dad wishes he had left her years before she left him. As well my brother went through the same thing with his ex partner. I am sorry to say this, but you are teaching your kids being treated this way is ok, if you love the person. I think if he loved you back he would not treat you like this. (Please this is only taken from me knowing what has been said on your blog and facebook I do not know you intimitatly, but as a child of mental abuse house hold this is what I can tell... get out, be happy and show your girls life is not about money it doesnt make you happy, and someone treating your terribly even if you love them, is no reason to sat with them.)

JustJo said...

What do you love about him? Honestly? How does he make you feel? Are you afraid of being without him, or just afraid of being alone? I had to ask myself all those questions before I left my marriage. *Big hugs* to you girl... it is one of the toughest times you will ever have to go through, but the decision you make will set you up for the rest of your life....

JustJo said...

What do you love about him? Honestly? How does he make you feel? Are you afraid of being without him, or just afraid of being alone? I had to ask myself all those questions before I left my marriage. *Big hugs* to you girl... it is one of the toughest times you will ever have to go through, but the decision you make will set you up for the rest of your life....

Name: Lynise said...

Gosh I know its hard, I've been there (exactly where you are) myself.

At the end of the day you are the only person that can change this for yourself and as much as other woman who have been through it would dearly love to pick you up and remove you from the situation and help you through the pain, its only you that can walk out the door. You have the strength to do this if you want to. I stayed in a relationship that was mentally unhealthy for 8 years before I realised I was effectly exisiting, not living.

I had to dig deep and find the strength to leave and I'm not going to say it was easy becasue it wasn't, but with the help of friends and support from professionals (councelling etc) I left. It was definitely the right decision for me and maybe its the right one for you too.

The good news is that there is life after a relationship ends, and if the relationship was unhealthy then every day is a step towards being a healthier you.

I once heard Dr Phil say, there is only one thing worse then being in an abusive relationship for XX number of years, and thats being in an abusive relationship for xx years and one day.

Take care I really hope you find the strength to do what is best for you. (whatever you decide that is).

Tania said...

Big hugs Tina - I know you're going through such a tough time at the moment and I wish there was something I could do to help. It was good to see you today and I do hope that talking about things did help in some way, i'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

This is a decision you need to make for yourself, not for the kids, not Steve and not what you think you SHOULD do - you deserve to be happy and I don't think you've truly put yourself first in all the years i've known you - the time has come mate, and you are A LOT stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Chris H said...

Only you can decide what to do with your life mate.
I feel so sorry for you... how you can love a man who treats you like that is beyond me... but I'm not you so I cannot judge.
All the best.

Sarah Korol said...

*big hugs*

Oh honey. You know what I think about when I remember you and how we first met? The girl with the beautiful voice on the end of the phone with a ready laugh and a great sense of humour. Work was always fun when I was chatting to Adelaide!

You deserve to be happy, Tina -- life is far too short to settle for anything less -- and I don't think you've been happy for a long, long time.

Only you can make this decision, that's true, and if you do decide to leave it'll be one of the hardest things ever.

But. There is this:

It won't be hard forever. Life will move on, you won't be surrounded by all the baggage and crap you're dealing with now. You ARE a strong woman, Tina, as well as a wonderful mother -- you put everyone else before yourself and have done for so long. This time though, put YOURSELF first. The kids will be okay as long as you are, remember that.

Wishing you strength, hon -- I'm simply an email/phone call away, if you need ANYthing. xx

Corin said...

Oh man, how have I missed all this??? I haven't seen any of your updates on my reader. I wondered right now, "Am I even following her blog???" I will have to double check.

Phew. Where to start?? Well, first of all, you are not alone. EVERYONE goes through this. Maybe not the exact circumstances, but I can tell you for sure, all couples to some degree have the communication issue. And I totally see that yours is more severe than less. Men and women are so different, in every way, especially with how they communicate.

I can't tell you that you should leave your marriage or not, that is such a personal decision. But I can tell you that you two have been together for so long and there is a reason for that. Something bonded you together. Something was there that is still there, but so burried under years of frusteration and neglect and miscommunication.

Dave and I just had a huge argument tonight over the same exact issue. The C word. And it can get so ugly.

But friend, hang in there. You are his wife and there is something special about you that he chose.

I will be praying for you tonight and am here for you. I hope that the two of you find a way to talk to one another, or at least understand one another better.


Oh, and Dave and I went through this was AMAZING. Truly changed our marriage...

And unlike other marriage courses, it is VERY relatable to men! It's really a huge blessing. Not to say we don't argue anymore, but it has absolutely changed the way we talk to one another and understand one another.

Jenny said...

Oh dear Tina. I was very sad to read this post. Unfortunately you loving Steve so deeply isn't going to make this marriage survive. Perhaps it's the idea of loving Steve and having everything as it could be what you really love. I have known you now for many years and have shared your ups and downs. Dear Tina I think you can take heart in the fact that you have done as much as possible to help this marriage. You and the children deserve better. You are a hard worker and a great manager and organizer. You deserve to be happy and to feel happy about your achievements. I hope you can come to a decision. Steve has had many chances. When have you done enough? When can you take no more? You're in my thoughts and prayers. Xxxxx