I don't know what I would do without all your support. I am going through the toughest time of my life. I need to find the strength to leave my marriage after nearly 17 years. I need to do this for myself and my children. I hear everything everyone is saying. I know I can't keep living like this. And I say to myself that if I was in a relationship were there was physical abuse, I would be out of there in a blink. So why can't I do it when there is mental abuse???
I love Steve more than ever. I look at the relationships where the partners can't do enough for each other. And I envy it because I have never had that. Steve never does anything for me unless I ask. It took him 16 years to organise a weekend away just us. Yes we have had time away together but it's always me that plans it. I am lonely. Pure and simple. He doesn't communicate and whatever I do he critisizes. After 17 years I have snapped. I can't even talk to him about things anymore because of the things he brings up. My weekend away 12 months ago was just brought up this week because I had double booked and it was inconvenient for everyone even though I had sorted things out before I left. Why the hell didn't he tell me this 12 months ago. He brings up the past every argument.
This is an example. Every year he gave me flowers for our anniversary. He rang a florist and got flowers delivered to my work. As much as I love flowers, I thought maybe we could spend the money and we could go out for dinner together. So I mentioned it and the following year I got flowers delivered to work. Again I said, honey I love the flowers but don't send me flowers. Dinner together would be a better way to spend your money. When I got flowers the next year I couldn't quite believe it and mentioned it to my best friend in Melbourne when we were having a heart to heart one night on the phone. Well Steve was eavesdropping on the conversation and I have never heard the end of it. That probably happened about 5 years ago and he brings it up every argument that he will never buy me flowers again because I don't appreciate it.
He has never been a communicator. I knew that when I married him. He hates the way I am running our lives financially but he won't take it over. I have everything set out in a book and he knows where that is. The money we spend on every bill. I have been writing the weekly extra expenses like birthdays, extra food shopping, things that crop up on a white board on the fridge so he can see where the money is going but he still yells at me that he doesn't get enough money for himself. He works 50 hours a week so he is entitled to more money. He says I have luxuries in life like the cleaner, my Port Power membership and ww that he would get rid of if he was doing the budget. I am doing a weekly paper run with the kids and secret shopping to bring more money into this house. That well and truly covers those things.
I have a counselling appointment. 15th October which is my 17th wedding anniversary. Steve will be away at the Bike Grand Prix in Melbourne.
I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't have the strength at the moment. I have counselling in 3 weeks. He will be away for a lot of that time. I need to get stronger. I need to talk about it. Though people are probably sick of hearing this ongoing saga. I know I don't deserve to live this way but bottom line is I love Steve. If I didn't love him I would have gone a long time ago.
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