Saturday, September 18, 2010

How!!

How can it be over a month since I posted. I am the slackest blogger. I have all intensions of writing a post but evil facebook takes over!!

So.....Life is crazy. Nothing new there. WW is going well. One hiccup 2 weeks ago saw a big gain but alcohol and TTOM will do that. So overall I have lost 4.9 kgs in 7 weeks. I have the best support network a girl could get with ww. There are 6 of us now that go to the same meeting. And we all started off as very big girls. Well over 100 kgs. One of the girls Sandy is doing an amazing job. Her head has been in the right space for a while now and she is very close to the 20 kgs lost. We're hot on your tail Sandy. I was doing the sums yesterday and in nearly 2 years I have only lost 11.4 kgs. I know I'm not allowed to say 'only' on this journey but that is pathetic. Up, down, up, down is the pattern of my life. Need to ponder that more.

Steve and I are going through a rough patch again. Another pattern in my life. More to ponder.
I have organised some counselling for me. I cannot continue to be belittled about my position in this marriage. Because I don't work 50 paid hours a week like he does, I am not as worthy as him. Because I ferry the kids around to this, that and everything else, it's not hard work so it's not worthy. If I or any mum added up the total hours she works every day, I bet it would be far more than her partner. Well in 95% of cases. I sound like a broken record when I talk about my marriage because this outburst happens every 6 months or so. It's always about money. Money is tight this month. We have got ourselves back on track by putting some credit on a low interest credit card and paying it off that way. No big deal!!! It will get paid off. And we are living within our means but every now and then a big month of birthdays and parties comes along and throws the budget big time. I always get the blame when I ask Steve to stop using the credit card for himself for a few weeks. I get yelled at because of the extras I get in life, like weight watchers and a cleaner. Well darling I figure if I am working 31 hours paid work a week, I can afford those luxuries.

Weight watchers is not a luxury for me. It is a necessity and I wish the powers that be would consider us being able to claim weight loss programmes on our private health insurance or even medicare. I have an illness. I am a compulsive eater, like a compulsive drinker or smoker. Obesity, smoking and drinking are probably the things that cause the most hospital related illnesses. It's not rocket science, pay for programmes to help people like me get healthy. OK off my soapbox now.

Back to me - I am going to seek counselling for myself because I feel I have been mentally abused for 16 years. I get the blame for every little thing going wrong. I get no love and affection but am expected to give love and affection. Things that happened in the past should remain in the past. Stop bringing them up every argument. We have tried marriage counselling but our views are so far different about things that it didn't work. I need counselling for myself. I know people would be thinking, get out of the marriage but the bottom line is I love him very much. He is a wonderul father and provider. I love my house and my life here. Why should that change? The house would have to be sold. I don't want to sell my house. I am lonely. Very lonely. The kids are growing up. Nikki is nearly 14 and has her own life. Ashleigh is 12 and soon will. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be lonely.

There are people that have critisized (sp??) me for venting on facebook. I know facebook is not the place to vent but Steve doesn't have facebook and that's where most of my friends are - LOL!! I got abused by a so called friend for saying I needed to get help for myself because I can't do this anymore. She said some nasty things and I had to delete her posts. So I am writing my feelings here. On my blog.

As I said, I am going to get counselling and I do ask myself every day if I am doing the wrong thing staying in this marriage but the answer at this stage is I just don't know :(

7 comments:

LisaB said...

Oh Tina (((hugs)))... you are at such a yucky point in life :(

If you and Steve are working on this marriage, then by all means stay...but all those other reasons for staying are wrong wrong wrong.

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor, because I feel that with the right help you can get your self esteem lifted, and get your mindset in a much better place... you will realise that you can only change your own thoughts and behaviour and you have no control over Steve's thoughts and behaviours.
You can be helped to be more happy within your own skin, and you won't feel lonely... because you will be your own best friend. That loneliness you are feeling is more likely to be depression ((hugs)).
At the moment I think you are hanging on to this relationship to avoid the hurt you see coming from a break-up...but what you are going through is so much more damaging that the break up. You question your ability to lose weight, and yet to an outsider looking in, I think about the big question mark Steve places on your worth, and there is no wonder you are struggling! Talk it over thoroughly with a counsellor first, but I think, rip that bandaid off....it will hurt like hell, but it will hurt less than leaving it on, suffocating what is underneath...
Homes are bricks and mortar, and in time to come, will seem unimportant...I think you are just finding excuses to not pull the bandaid off.
Someone said all of this to me a long time ago. I didn't appreciate it, and I was angry...I'm going to take that chance here, because I know when eventually I did rip that bandaid off, I was well on my way to becoming whole again.
In 6 months time, if you stay with Steve, you will probably be in the exact same spot you are right now....do you want to be here again? or do you want to go a few really tough months and know that you never have to deal with this particular situation again.
A tough time and lots of thinking needed... wishing you all the best Tina. You are a beautiful person and you deserve to be valued and treated with respect xox

LisaB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tania said...

Tina, in regards to a decision about your marriage, my belief is that you shouldn't make a decision to go unless you are 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I think that getting counselling is a very courageous thing to do - sometimes walking away would be taking the easy way out - getting counselling means you're confront issues, no doubt some that have been buried for a VERY long time.

Yes Steve is a wonderful father and provider, but you also have to remember that you are a wonderful mother and contribute to the family budget quite a bit too. It's sad that men don't see things the same way that we do but you're right.

I've often left work with one of the guys saying "you're going already" (as a joke) and I respond by saying i'm going home to start my day - because that's what us mums do, we get home, prepare dinner, cook, clean, wash, iron plan for the next day etc etc

Please please call on me anytime if you want some company for a coffee or chat, I can be there in 20 minutes, you don't even have to talk.

As to Facebook - it's your page and you vent all you want, i'm sorry to say hun but a "friend" that says that isn't really a "friend" at all - if you can't have the opportunity to vent to your friends in a social network well somethings definitely wrong.

samantha said...

Tina i'm in agreeance with both Tania and Lisa on many of their points. i think you have to be a100% on sure that its the right thing to do for firstly you and then your family. I know life without Steve would seem intimidating but you are being mentally and verbally abused. And for counselling to be effective to heal a marriage noth of you have to want it. There are many agencies that help out single mothers should that be a road you may travel. but remember your health is first and foremost, and you need to be healthy to be happy for your family. You deserve so much better my friend, a wonderful mother and a beautiful person does not deserve to be treated that way. Remember we are always here to support you in whatever your decisions lead to, unfortunately I am to far away to pop over for a coffee but I'm sure Tania will be there for you as will many others. Believe in yourself Tina and you will get through this. Love Sammyxx

PAULENE@www.slimming4health.com said...

It sure is hard when facing such turning points in your marriage.
I understand you want securtiy/frienship/love etc but...if you are being abused so badly that you need counselling????
sometimes we find making the hard decisions turns out better in the end?
Wishing you strength and luck with whatever you decide
***hugs***

Cheers P

Jill said...

Hi tina sorry to hear things in your marriage are rough again, I hope they start to change. Make sure you take care of yourself you are the most important person in your family. Thinking of you Jillx

Jo said...

Hello my lovely.... chin up and take your time with decisions especially the big ones. You are a strong, beautiful and wise woman so I know that you won't take things lightly and you, like me, take on a lot and don't put ourselves first.

Good on you for organising to see a counsellor - at least it will be your time - one on one with someone that will not judge or punish you. That's a big brave step to start with.

And like you I understand the need for weight watchers and the reasons behind paying for meetings etc. I too need to do it for me in a bid to reach a level of happiness within myself. Don't give up on what you want or feel you need to do.

Bottom line is you have to help yourself to be able to help others.

Take care my friend and you know where I am should you want to just chat.

MWAH......

Jo xxxx