Tuesday, October 26, 2010

One Day at a Time

I went to ww tonight after missing 2 meetings due to family issues. I gained 700g which is nowhere near as bad as it could have been. I think I would have gained about 2 kgs if I didn't get my arse into gear late last week so I am pretty happy with that.

I have been back to meetings for 3 months and have only lost 5 kgs. I really need to change that. I know I shouldn't say 'only' 5 kgs but it should have been so much more. Then again I could have gained 5 kgs if I didn't go back so no looking back, only forward.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Sun is Shining at Last.....

In many ways.

I seriously think I have winteritis or some sort of disorder where I can't function in winter. I need sunshine in my life. I need to feel the sunshine in order to feel human. I HATE winter, I HATE rain (unless it's tropical rain) and I have got to the point in my life where I am seriously considering where I go and what I do as the kids get older. I have always wanted to live in Queensland. I bet we have all thought that. But I can see myself living in Queensland. I have even been googling real estate around Cairns because that is where I would ideally like to live. I have travelled a lot but I always follow the sun. The only not tropical holiday I have had is the snow when my best friend was living in Wangaratta and we could get there in a couple of hours. I think if it wasn't for my mum and Steve's parents we would be out of here.

I have talked about coming out of the fog. I can see a bit clearer. I am still with Steve. He has been away so much since our last big blow up which I can honestly say has been a good thing. We are seriously thinking about a mining job that may have fallen in our laps. A friend who is in recrutement mentioned about a driving job in a mine near Roxby Downs in far north SA. At least $30,000 more than Steve is earning now. Working away would work for us. I function very well as a single mum but I do miss him when he is away and things are good when he comes back so it would definitely work for us. Watch this space.

I still haven't had any counselling. I am on the waiting list through medicare. I must follow that up because it was supposed to be 3 weeks until I heard and I have had no contact as yet apart fromt he initial letter. I had to cancel the appointment I had through another avenue when Jarryd had his accident at camp. I definitely want to go down this path because I need help to deal with these situations with Steve. I won't be bullied by him. Sound familiar. Maybe Ashleigh is more like me than I realised.

Nikki had a big campout in our backyard last night with 7 other 14 year olds. I wasn't sure at first when she asked me because I remember what I got up to at 14!! 4 boys and 4 girls all in seperate tents. Hope it stayed that way - LOL!! They were pretty well behaved and I didn't hear them when I went to bed. But then again, my bedroom is at the other end of the property so the neighbours might say different.

Nikki is changing daily. Gone is my little girl. She is a typical, selfish but loving teenager. She is lazy. CBF as she says!! She isn't motivated to do anything. She wants a part time job but won't get off her bum and do it. I had to nag her to write her resume which took a couple of months and then nag her to print it off and put it in an envelope with some references. But she has done it now so hopefully will get a phone call soon. She also might not because the minimum age in SA is 14 yrs 7 months and she is 14 yrs 1 month. She has put applications in at Boost and Wendys so far. Bugger Hungry Jacks and Maccas. I'm not being a taxi at 3am or 5am for an early start. Something in a shopping centre would be ideal. Fingers crossed.

As with any time in my life when I am under extreme stress I turn to crap food. I am happy that my weight has staying exactly the same and not ballooned out of control as usually happens. But I have been back at weight watchers for 11 weeks or so and have only lost about 5 kgs. I am motivated by some bloggers and facebook friends who are doing amazing things with Michelle Bridges 12 week challenge and might look into the next one. The great thing about blogging is that I got into it through the weight watchers website where a lot of us have or had a lot to lose so all these friends are or have been in the same situation as me. Lots to lose and yoyo dieters. We are all the same. Some are conquering their weight and some like me are just hanging in there. But we understand each other where a lot of people don't. I know there are so many out there, my husband included, that think we are fat because we eat too much and if we just cut down the weight will come off. Well yes, it will if we follow the guidelines. But many of my online friends have the same battles. I truly believe it is a mental issue as well. I know I shouldn't be eating the crap I do and I know I need to lose this weight for my health so why don't I?????? The million $$ question. It will be a battle for the rest of my life. And I need to find a way to win that battle.

I am going to try and write something about my weight loss journey most days. Whether it be winning or losing. I have this outlet here so why don't I use it more as a tool for this journey?
I can do this. I am so sick of being fat. I don't want to be fat anymore :)

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. The sun is shining and I am definitely going for a walk to the beach. Enjoy whatever your Sunday brings.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life is a Blurrr!!!

Where do I start??

Firstly, I am blown away by all your support. I have so many wonderful friends. So many people go through the same things in their relationships. Some make it through, some don't. I'm still on the fence - LOL!! Thankyou so much. I value all your comments and opinions so much. There is a lot to think about. I don't want my marriage to end and Steve needs to know that I won't tolerate the abuse I have been putting up with for so long.

When Steve isn't ranting about money and how hard his life is, we get along fine. I have started to print a copy of the credit card statement every day and leave it for him to see. There is no complaining from him about money at the moment because he has had 2 mini holidays in the last month. Which has been good for me to have time alone with the kids and see how I feel. He is away at the moment at Phillip Island for the motorbike grand prix. He gets back tomorrow morning and then in the afternoon he is off to Alice Springs for 2 weeks for work.

I had a counselling appointment for Friday but had to cancel because Jarryd had an accident. (He's fine, see below) It was the date of our 16th wedding anniversary and Steve wasn't even around. I am on the waiting list for medicare funded counselling which I must chase up because I should have heard by now.

It all comes down to communication and I have definitely noticed that Steve is talking more than he has in the last few years so hopefully he has taken it all on board. Time will tell.

My weight has stabilized again. I'm not moving anywhere up or down. I guess I should be happy that in the most stressfull time in my life, I haven't turned to food. Drink a bit, but not food - LOL!! The warmer weather will motivate me again. And daylight saving is soooo welcome. To have the extra daylight hours in the day has just changed my whole mindset. Maybe I am coming out of the fog.

Jarryd went on camp last week. His first school camp. So exciting for everyone. He was a bit clingy a few days prior. I got more cuddles than normal and his sad little face on the bus pulled at my heart but I knew he would have a wonderful time. They left Wednesday morning and on Thursday morning I got a call at work to say he had fallen and skun his knee very badly. It wouldn't stop bleeding so they wanted my permission to take him to the local doctors clinic. My heart jumped. It would have taken me an hour to get there so I said take him and ring me as soon as you get back. 2 hours later, I got the phone call. 6 stitches in his knee!!!!!!

OMG I was so sad for my baby. They put him on the phone and he was quite upbeat. He said it didn't hurt and I told him we were coming up because he had to have antibiotics (which I had to get the presciption filled) He told me he didn't want to come home and I told him we would make that decision when we got there.

The rest of the day I just wanted to be with him, but I knew he was in good hands. The teacher rang me a few times to update me. We had to battle peak hour traffic by the time I got organised and got up there just after they were having tea. He was fine. He was having such a good time he didn't want to come home. So we made the heartbreaking decision (for me) to leave him behind and we headed home. The teachers assured me he would be well watched and he had pain relief if he needed it. And they were coming home the next day anyway. It was horrible driving home without him but I knew he would be fine. And he was. I rang the doctor who did the stitches and he said it was a very nasty cut. Not a straight forward cut. We have to keep a close watch on him in case he gets an infection. Because he fell into gravel and dirt, he cleaned it out under the local anisthetic but we can't get it wet for 2 weeks. It is all bandaged up and has to stay that way for 2 weeks and then we have to go and get the stitches out. I think getting all the bandaging off will be the worst part. He is very well patched up according to the doctor.

So that is the story of Jarryd's first camp. He will have a lasting war wound to show!!

I am also battling different emotions with Nikki. She has just turned 14 and her social life has taken over. She wants to spend every weekend Sat and Sunday with her friends. I can understand this but I have told her she needs to find a balance between family and friends. So we have compromised. She can spend one of the days with her friends and the other one with us. Life is changing so fast. I don't like it!!

So far she is a good kid. We have our battles but she can see where she is wrong. I have seen 2 of her grade 7 friends go totally off the rails this year. Through facebook, they have abused their mothers to the point of writing 'I wish she would die'

I cannot believe a 14 year old can be so disrespectful and I thank god every day that Nikki is not like that. Is it the parents of these kids or the kids themselves that has let it get to that point. Nikki was horrified when she saw one of the girls update on such a public forum like facebook to the point of discussing it with me. Unbelievable!!! I also thank god that Nikki doesn't have friends like that. From what I can see (and facebook is good for keeping track of them) they are all good kids from nice homes.

I have come to the conclusion though that teenagers are extremely selfish. Some of you might say, I could have told you that - LOL!! I know Nikki loves me, but it is absolutely all about her. I was never like that. I bet my mum would say different!!

Gosh, this is turning into a novel. I need to update more often.

Something else that has been going on in the last week (as if I haven't had enough to deal with) is that Ashleigh is getting bullied again. She told me about a girl that was being mean to her last term. Stupid things that Ashleigh has been ignoring. Well it got physical this week. She was shoved out the way going up some stairs by one of these girls and told to f.....g move!! Charming!!!
My reaction was well did you shove her back? And she said well if I did that she would probably punch me in the face. And Ashleigh couldn't do that anyway. This is why she attracts the bullies. She is too nice and can't stand up for herself. We have tried to teach her but she just can't do it. It's not in her nature. So the time has come to get serious about getting her to stand up for herself. Anyway we reported it to the school and it was addressed within an hour, not like the old school where it would take days to even get a phone call returned. But the problem was that the bully denied everthing and turned it around on Ashleigh doing the bullying which again for anyone who knows Ashleigh, that is just laughable. So both girls had to apoligize. I wasn't happy but knew we would just keep a close eye on the situation.
Well yesterday Ashleigh was on facebook and the other girl of the 2 bullies answered a stupid questionaire of random questions. The question was: 'What does Ashleigh like to eat' The girl wrote - 'Donuts, that's why she has such a big butt' Ashleigh responded with , 'that's not very nice' and the response was - WHAT!! men go for the big butts. And on the top of the post it says - 'sorry I am telling the truth'
OMG how stupid is this child and she is a child. These kids are 12. I know there will be questions of kids not doing facebook but Ashleigh only plays the games and chats to a couple of old friends she doesn't see very often on facebook. I monitor every thing the girls do on facebook and this was blatent cyber bullying. Ashleigh did the right thing and deleted this girl and then blocked her so there is no way she can get back in and delete anything. It's still on her page and I have printed it for evidence. I will be at the school tomorrow morning and won't be leaving until this is dealt with. I wouldn't want to be in this child's shoes. Not only bullying but sexual connitations (sp??)

So this is to be continued..........

If you have got this far of this epic post, I commend you. I get carried away sometimes - LOL!!

One thing.......Life is never dull.